Another New Year…

I’m sitting here thinking about what 2013 will be like & I can’t shake off the feelings of anxiety that come with it. I know, I know, I over analyze everything & bring this all upon myself. However, I don’t think I’m the only one who feels this way. Especially, if you’re a chronic pain sufferer.

I never make resolutions for the new year. Why you ask? That’s just plain & simple. It’s easier said than done & why set myself up to fail? My existence now is based on failures. Simple & ugly failures like not being a social butterfly, not being able to go outside when it’s bitter cold, even though we NEED to go out to get groceries. The list goes on & on. A lot of people don’t realize but my greatest effort in the day is just taking a shower.

I’ve come to realize that resolutions don’t mean a darn thing. Why just because a new year has started that we feel we must improve ourselves? Why can’t we all just work at something everyday, or be a decent human being? A simple act of kindness goes a long way. Hold a door open for someone, smile at someone as you walk by & by all means don’t make accusing faces at someone with a handicapped parking sticker. That one really bothers me… You don’t know what I go through, you don’t know how I feel. Yes, I may LOOK normal, but inside my body is reeling.

As you can tell, I’m bitter. I’m frustrated. I’m mad. Because, I know no matter how hard I may try to improve myself, my pain & mental status will ruin it all for me. I’m going into my 7th year w/ chronic pain & my 4th year of all day everyday agony. When I look back & see all that I’ve gone through, it makes me cry. I haven’t stopped this demon from invading me. I haven’t even come anywhere close to having the life I said I’d have 7 years ago. “A manageable condition that would sometime knock me down, but I would fight through it.” YEAH RIGHT! Little did I know then, that this horrible headaches would multiply & bring in new friends to ruin my life.

All I can do now is look on the bright side. I’ve suffered A LOT, but you know what?! No matter how much I complain, vent or whine, I’m still going to wake up tomorrow feeling the same. If I’m lucky I won’t feel worse than I am now. I just have to put on my warrior paint & fight to survive each & everyday that comes at me. Because that is what I am & will always be…

A chronic pain demon fighter!

Best wishes to all of you in the new year! May we all keep fighting & never ever loose HOPE!

K8 =]

What I’m Thankful For…

It’s that time of year again, where I feel the warm embers of fulfillment running through my veins. I’ve survived another year & have over come A LOT of hardships. This year was quite possibly my worst…

  • I didn’t commit suicide as I planned to in August
  • I overcame my suicidal thoughts, severe depression & anxiety with therapy
  • I can use knives & scissors properly now (NO MORE CUTTING)
  • I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in early April
  • I waited for an appointment for 2 months for a “Pain Specialist” & he didn’t believe I had Cluster Headaches. Even though I’ve been told by 3 Neurologists I do have it & have Oxygen @ home
  • I’m accepting of my pain now! (AWESOME TO SAY THAT)

 Going back & looking at this year in perspective brings up a lot of emotions… Fear, depression, anxiety all mixed in with an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. I fought these demons & won! Granted, I know the depression will spiral back around. I know now I have the heart to keep living & the willingness to fight them off! Plus, I have the most awesome support I could ever ask for! My family & friends make it so much easier to share my feelings & know I am not alone.

What I find awesome is, I’ve” met” the most awesome people through Facebook. I feel so comfortable telling them ANYTHING & some are so close to me they’re like my sisters! (Or twins) We have so much in common, yet I haven’t met ANYONE in real life! What brought us together was our pain & suffering. What made us friends  is an amazing feeling I cannot duplictate. I’m so thankful for each & every one of you! You have no idea how much you’ve opened my eyes & made me realize my life is worth living. Even if it’s spent everyday in pain..

Want to Meet Me?!

Hello there!! Let me take some time to introduce myself…

My name is Kate. I have been battling Chronic Pain for 6 years. I actually just had my “anniversary” on September 29th. That’s when it all started… One headache turned my world upside down & inside out. I woke up in the middle of the night with this searing pain on one side of my head. My eye felt like it was being gouged out! The whole right side of my head felt like someone was hitting me repeatedly with a hammer. I instantaneously fell out of the bed, landed on all fours & began slamming my head on the hardwood floor. I rocked, screamed, cried all while my Husband is asking me what was wrong. I couldn’t even form words to tell him what I was feeling. All I could do was shriek out in utter agony!!

I believe this lasted for 20 mins. Then POOF it was gone. Still leaving me in awe & “hung over”. It still hurt, but MY GOD was I happy that the immense pain was gone. I told the Hubby through the tears & anxiety what had happened. He suggested the E.R, but the pain wasn’t there anymore. How could a doctor help me if my pain was non-existent anymore?! I fell back asleep eventually & went to work the next morning, still shocked at what this could have been. Tumor? Aneurism? I had no clue…

This happened each night for the next month. I don’t know why it took me sooo frickin’ long to get help!! I saw my general care Dr & she diagnosed me with Cluster Headaches. YIPPEEE!!

So long story short, the Clusters invaded me. Going from episodic to chronic @ their willing. Then they invited some of their “Headache Relatives” to come & move into my brain. Trigeminal Nueralgia, Migraines, oh and the worst one the Chronic Tension Headache!! I despise this one the most, because EVERYDAY I HAVE IT. He doesn’t hibernate like the other ones do. He’s there constantly gnawing at my brain. I would like to think by now he’s eaten enough to make me not feel it!!!

So, now that the headaches have taken ahold of me, I now have been infiltrated by the OTHER relative, Fibromyalgia. This just happened in early March. One day (yet again) I wake up to a “new” pain. Everything in body just plain hurt! I thought I had the flu… But this flu lasted a month. Pain in my shoulders, neck, lower back, legs, ankles, feet. Oh dear lord!! I already sort of got used to the headache pain (yeah as if you can get used to it) But, I changed everything about me to be able to deal with this brain pain. NOW your going add all over body pain, extreme fatigue & brain fog on top of this?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I can’t deal with this!! And quite honestly I haven’t been. I WILL not accept that this is going to be me for the rest of my life! Even though I know I have Fibromyalgia &  feel it’s effects everyday, I still haven’t accepted it…

The funny part is, I knew I had Fibro going into the doctor’s office in April. Pardon my french, but I’m “knowledge whore”. I need to know EVERYTHING & ANYTHING about anything I read, hear or see. So when my general care doctor did the evaluation, she’s like “Well I have something in mind… ” I blurted out the “Fibro” word. She laughed & called me her “walking medical dictionary patient”.

You still with me? It’s a lot to write down, just so you know where I am coming from… So that’s basically been my life the past 6 years. Pain, Dr appointments, pain, more frickin’ doctor appointments, here try this drug & I’ll see you in 2 months, PAIN, disability, PAIN, PAIN, therapy to deal with coping with all this… oh & MORE PAIN.

On a personal level, I’m married to the best man in the world. He see’s me through the worst & is there for the best. He’s my rock. Ever steady & never moving from my side. I’m a news junkie, love hanging out with family & friends (when I can), I read & crochet (yet again, when I can), Love social media & blogging. I have 2 small dogs, Nina a 16 year old Shihtzu & Fudgie a 10 year old Pug. I have a black & white half lop ear, half lion head rabbit named Crixus Bunnicula (he’s a gladiator, while being evil at the same time). And well just like to share my stories, adventures, whatever you may call them. I know there are people out there like me. Not only am I helping myself, by getting all this off my chest. But someone eventually will read this & be like, “Hey, that sounds exactly what I’m going through!” I’m not here to help myself. I’m here to help others & spread awareness & my thoughts.

Much love to you all! And thanks for reading my blubbering! =]